mover and a shaker.

i wish i could bottle up addison and let her be this little forever. she has such personality and is so happy most of the time. she knows the difference between her mother and any one else. its like i know she can be independent and play on the floor while i finish a few things around the house and then at the same time i know she needs me when she needs me. with the fact that she is so close to crawling makes me realize that i cant stop her from growing up. i am excited to see her grow and mature and be the amazing woman i know she is gonna be but at the same time i am sad to see her little baby innocence go away tool. soon she wont be a baby anymore but a toddler on the move and i am ready but not so ready at the same time. shes a mover and shaker and i cant stop her from growing!

alone.

i love being a mom and i wouldnt change my days with addison for anything but sometimes i just feel completely alone. i know jesse is here but i need friends again. but not my single non mom friends because they just dont understand my life anymore. its not about going to the bars and drinking until 3 am, or randomly going on trips at the drop of a hat. i barely even drink anymore and if i do its usually one glass of something and to even get out the door to go to target it takes me usually 45 min to make sure i have everything for addison and i usually end up forgetting something.

i have my mom friends too but at the same time there not really here for me either. they have their own lives that are just as busy as well. i just wish i could find a happy medium so usually i send my time with my mom or my sister alissa. and i cant spend all my time with my mom because she herself is in a competely different lifestyle as well. so i have my sister but i dont think she wants to hang around me and a baby all day. i just wish i had someone i could meet and have lunch with or take the kids to the park.

someone i could talk to about late night feedings, crawling babies, and the everyday lifestyle of a crazy mom on no sleep. someone that can relate to me but at the same time give me the advice that i need sometimes.

i tried to create a mommy group but no one seemed really interested but i guess i should try again and maybe see if they want to meet up for a towpath walk or something. i just dont know what to do cause in the end i need some adult interaction every once in awhile and that doesnt include talking to the dog bentley.

i dunno, sometimes i just feel so alone and i end up crying.

this time next week

its so weird to think that this time next week i will marry the man of my dreams and our little family will be complete. i know that our relationship is not a conventional one. we didnt first meet, fall in love, get married, and have babies.

jesse and i have know each other since high school, in fact he was my sisters best friend, which meant we were not allowed to be friends let alone talk to each other. i do remember when it was my senior year, jesse had already graduated and before he left for marine boot camp i ran into him at the gas station and we exhanged numbers, we chatted for awhile but you know how things can get hard being so far away from someone. we never got romantic the first time. it wasnt until years later that he friended me on facebook, oh facebook--the wonders that you do, he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was living in california. i was graduating that summer and was seriously dating someone, plus i was living in ohio. we chatted a few times on facebook and we enjoyed talking to each other and i gave him my number so we could chat outside of facebook.

me and my boyfriend of course ended up breaking up and that was when jesse offered to send me out there for the weekend for the marine corp ball. i was excited and i requested off work so i could leave friday. well jesse stopped talking to me and it never happened. it wasnt until later i found out that he was scared to send me out there for what might happen. we ended up not talking for awhile and i found someone else, which that didnt even get to envolve into anything. months later we started talking again and he was going to be in ohio for a whole month visiting family and friends and such. he told me what day he was going to be in town and i called him that day but he didnt answer, and earlier that month i started hanging out with this guy that was mutual friends with my best friend. i ended up nothing seeing him at all that month.

it wasnt until end of january that we were chatting up again texting each other. it had been like this for the last year on and off and joking on the phone about things. this last time in january he told me he was going to be in ohio again for a wedding. only for a week and would like to see me. i PROMISED him that i would make time to see him while he was here. well one thing led to another and we realized even though he hadnt official seen each other in years we had fallen in love over the last year and didnt realize it until we saw each other.

he stayed for a week and was going to be moving to texas in march to be with some of his family. i came out and visited for a week but we realized it wasnt going to work if we only saw each other for a week every month or so. so i decided to move to texas. i ended up pregnant in july and back in ohio in october. and gave birth to addison in april. we have been leaving here now and we are getting married at the end of this month. so maybe our story isnt the fairy tale people want to hear but to us its the most magical story of them all.

yeah

looking back.

its so weird to think where my life was 5 years ago. 5 years ago i was 20 years old. so close to being 21 and i was so excited for that. i was dating someone who i thought then was the love of my life, looking back now i was stupid for thinking that that was what love was because it wasnt even close to that. i was still in college and i was in my sorority kappa kappa gamma. life couldnt get any better.

its weird to think that 5 years later i am a mom and about to get married in 8 days. the friends i had 5 years ago and are no where close to being the friends i thought they were going to be and i know now that the guy i was dating treated me like complete shit.

there are things in my life i wish i could change but then i think about would my life be the way it is today if i where to go back and change them. would i have this beautiful baby girl by my side everyday  and a  future husband, yeah that is challenging at times but i love so very much?

yeah its definitely weird to think about, looking back.

belly laugh

i love when addison laughs her belly laugh. it's so innocent and pure and i know that in that one moment she thinks something so silly as me rubbing my nose into her belly is the greatest thing in the world. i want to bottle up her laughter and be able to listen to it everyday for the rest of my life. just for a few moments of her laughter and i cant stop smiling. its possibly the best sound in the world besides hearing her little heartbeat on the monitor when she was still inside my belly.

 every little thing that addison does melts my heart. today i was making her laugh and her little tiny hand reached up and touched my cheek. i know she is just trying to figure everything out but sometimes i like to think that it's her little way of telling me how much she loves me.

she only reaches for me these days, she always wants me to hold her and comfort her and i do it. everyone tells me that i shouldnt do it because she is only going to want me around and no one else. but i dont care, i want my daughter to want me in her time of need and for her to reach for me when she wants me.

because every day she is growing bigger and bigger and older and older, and sooner rather than later she isnt going to reach for me, she is going to be an independent and then a young woman. i want to cherish these moments for the rest of my life.

boys will be boys

i think i have changed my relationship outlook. i know that with every relationship that you have and that it ends you learn something new. something that will go with you on to the next relationship that you have learn to make this one a better one. i have learned over time that i cant control a person. i cant change a person. you have to let them be who they are. i understand that now. hence why jesse is out of town this weekend with the boys and men of his family down at their hunting cabin (which i hate that he hunts, poor animals). i know that he needs his time to be who he is and do what he does, i have never stopped him from wanting to do this things that he wants to do even if i do enjoy having a second pair of hands so that i can get an little bit of a long sleep in the morning (i got to function the rest of the day right?). i know that he doesnt do much of what i ask of him and he barely surprises me and cleans the house, is that ever gonna happen? prolly not, but there are little things that he does to help me that i miss. he cleans the baby bottles. grabs things for me when my hands are full of my beautiful baby girl, he helps me in the morning and allows me to sleep a bit, or even gives me an evening nap, and he gives her her bedtime bath. and its not only me that notices that he is gone and things are not right. i think addison knows too. jesse knows that addison loves her mom and wants her around all the time and doesnt barely wanna hang out with dad but she knows he is not here. he is not the one giving her a bath and getting her ready for bed. i think thats why she has been out of sorts the last couple of days. she hasnt been sleeping through the night either, shes must feel what i feel, lost a little bit. worried something bad is going to happen and we have no strong protector. i know we live in the 20 th century and i should learn to protect myself but in all reality its nice to have a strong man here that will do anything to protect everyone in his family, even poor old bentley the weiner dog.

i know it has only been the weekend but it does make a difference. even though he all know he has his quirks that drive me nuts, i sure do miss him when he is not around, and so does addison. cant wait to see him this afternoon and give him a whole bunch of crap ;)

am i insane?

i think i am losing my mind. i spend most of my days locked up in my house, and now that i dont have a car again i seriously feel trapped. its raining on top of this so we cant even go out and explore. i dont know how i can entertain addison without just giving her toys and making funny noises. i feel as if i am not stimulating her enough plus the time frame seems to be going so slow. i know i shouldnt take these moments for granted but i would much rather be walking around with her outside or doing something outside rather than watching the rain come down. even if i tried to do something outside i am scared its going to randomly start raining at any point. and without a car we cant even go to the store to atleast window shop.

we are trapped. by the rain and lack of automobile.

i tried googling ideas for me and addison to do so she could have something fun to do and at her age frame, i get peek a boo. yeah yeah but c'mon i feel as if we can do something else i am just not creative enough to figure it out.

i cant wait to move out of this townhome and into a rental home or our own house. i want quiet or atleast some point of it. i want addison to have a backyard and for bentley to roam as he wishes. i cant stand hearing the traffic on the road and the constant random noises around here.

i think i am going insane.

Our Family

when me and jesse first got together we knew that when we decided to get married that we were going to go to the courthouse just us and addison and have a private family moment and then have a party for our family and friends in order to celebrate our marriage. i however didnt know that when this happened that both our moms would put their imput on how it should be. its our wedding, our day. why dont they just find their own business and enjoy the moments afterward, or else next time something big happens with our family no one is gonna know about it until it happens.

sometimes i feel lost.

sometimes i feel lost for the right words to say. how i feel. what i want. what i need. sometimes i let people walk all over me. i feel lost about things that i do, or how i can change. why cant i stand up for myself, and how come when i finally do so, no one listens to what i have to say. i am tired of repeating questions, comments or how i need help around here. i wish someone would listen and really listen. but i dont have that, i never will. so here i am writing down everything i wish i had the guts to say.

i really want my mom to stop being so negative and selfish. its always all about her and she never wants to hear about anyone elses problems, excitment, or joy. if shes not getting her last word in, no one is.

i wish my sisters had more time for me, since i had addison yes they wanna see us but not the way it use to be. i also wish ashley was around more.

i want my husband to be to help out more around the house, i am not octo-mom. i dont have 8 hands to do everything i need to get done throughout the whole day.

i wish i could work and make good money and not have to put addison in daycare or away from me. i wish she could be by my side all day and could play with her and do everything about the house and make money for it.

i want my energy back, i wanna be more fun for addison but i am so tired all the time.

i want to be pretty and skinny. i miss my old body and looks. i feel like i have become that stereotypical mother, and let myself go. i just dont have the time to fix the way i look.

i want my friends to not be so selfish. dont get me wrong its not all of them but theres a few, i want them around and understand that i am also a mom now.

but theres one thing i dont wanna change and thats addison. shes the only thing that gets me going everyday. i know she needs to be on top of my game and be there for her.

at least someone needs me, otherwise i'd be lost.

Introducing Addison Joei

When i was little and people always asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i always answered "to be a mom". i never thought it was going to happen.

i had my share of relationships that never seem to last or seemed to be the perfect fit. and they always seemed to end before they even got started. it always ended with me thinking, i will never have a serious relationship that will turn into a marriage that will eventually make me a mother. that was until i found the one person who i know you wont believe it until it happens to you but they fit perfectly into my hands, and there were definitely fireworks the first time we kissed.

I have already told you about our back story, but this is about addison. August 1, 2010 was the day i found out i was pregnant. it was almost a month since our miscarriage and i was already pregnant? i was so excited because i was going to have a baby but scared at the same time, worried something was going to happen, i was going to miscarry again and then i think we knew we had a problem, or what if everything goes well, and then at the last moment i have a still born?

i made it up to my 40 week of pregnancy, i had extremely high blood pressure but they kept it monitored until that last appointment, i was going to see addison on the ultrasound and then i had to have my stress test, well my blood pressure kept reading over 100 so i went to up to labor and delivery and they monitored me there for a couple of hours as well. but since i was so close to my due date, they checked me in, at this moment, the one i had been waiting for, i was deathly scared.

labor lasted 13 hours, 4 active and my baby girl finally came out and presented herself to the world. she was 7 lbs 14 oz, and 21 inches long, and i was in love.

i have never been so deep in love in a matter of seconds. i couldnt wait to get out of the hospital and be a beautiful family. to this day she is 4 months and healthy, which i couldnt be happier for. she smiles all day long and sleeps pretty well. i love being at home and watching her grow and not rely on someone else to raise her. i cant wait to watch her grow up, become a toddler, then a child, a teenager, and a woman. i cant wait to watch her graduate, get married, and have her be a mother herself. i sometimes catch myself in tears because i cant believe i have it all, i am so lucky and then in the back of my mind i worry, could i lose it all just as quickly?

Ruby Taylor

It was just a normal friday afternoon, my baby girl was napping upstairs so i took the moments that i had and just logged on to my email, looked at a few websites and then logged into facebook. i was looking at all the recent updates from friends to see what was going on. a good friend of my future husband shared a link for "bows for ruby" i logged onto and realized it was a sharing page of a woman who was making bows in order to help raise money for a family whose little baby girl whom had liver failure. little did i know until i logged into ani taylor's blog to learn that this little 7 month old baby had lost her battle and passed away that day.

i bought a bow today in her honor and to help that family. cause you wonder, if this happened to me, who would help me?

i cant think about what exactly they are going through. addison is only 4 months old herself. could it happen to her? sure it could. anything could happen. this is my greatest fear.

i always thought yeah i could get pregnant, have my baby and my little family. i never knew of my chances of having a miscarriage and my views on life could possibly change. since i had my miscarriage before addison her whole pregnancy i was scared of having another. when i got past the risks of miscarriage and entered into my 16 week, all i could think about is her becoming a stillborn, as weeks went by i constantly googled my chances of this horrible fear of happening.

all i wanted was for her to be here in my arms, safe and sound. that day finally came. here i was holding the most wonderful gift i could ever have, a perfectly healthy baby girl.

now here it is, another fear. what are my chances something might happen to her? sure she is healthy, i think but what if something is happening inside of her and i have no clue? how will i know? when will i know? what if she is absolutely fine?

then i think about jesses brother, he was so young when he was killed. what if?

i looked at addison everyday into her beautiful blue eyes and i talk with her until she smiles and laughs at me. i hold her in my arms and make sure she barely cries. but what if i cant always protect her.

i cried most of saturday morning thinking of the taylor family and what emotions they were going through. they just lost their precious baby girl, devastation i am sure, but then you have to think about their other daughter and remain strong for her as well.

i wish i could be there tuesday, i know they dont know me but they have sure impacted me. i wish i could let them know how much so.

i bought a bow today, in honor of precious ruby taylor.

okay, amber?!

So one thing that i dont really understand about moms who are younger is the fact that most of them do not accept the parental responsibilities. i know a few people who leave there children with there own parents just to go out and enjoy the night life or other things with their friends. your children are only going to be young once and will learn to resent you in the future for not being there when you post all your "fun" adventures on facebook.

i might sound like an old adult but seriously you made the choice to have unprotected sex, then you need to accept the fact you have a child. grow up and be a parent, not amber from teen mom! and if you dont want to be a parent and do what you have to to make sure your child grows up properly then seek help or give up your parental rights to your parents or someone else that is going to love that child and not go out partying just because your "bored".

so grow up already, seriously. because in my honest opinion i would much rather be with my crying daughter and take care of all her needs then spend my money on drinks and a few moments of a break. i want to watch my daughter grow up and be the wonderful person that I TAUGHT her to be, not my parents!

Being a mom vs. being a friend

I have found my life has changed since i had a baby, and that includes my lifestyle and my friendships. i barely leave my house after 9 pm. i dont usually even wanna leave my baby with my husband because i am worried if i am out having fun that something might happen to her, plus i am a mom now. i have obligations and responsabilities, why would i leave my daughter in the care of someone else to just go out and go drinking with friends? i am the one that had the baby not my mother, so why would i leave her and miss out on things that she needs. thats what i dont understand about some young mothers, but thats a different topic.

i have lost a lot of friends now that i am a mother. i understand that yes i do have a daughter and most of my friends dont, but i dont understand why they think that i am a different person. i am still me just with different responsibilties. i dunno. i just wish that they could make time for me, along with my daughter. i cant wait for them to have children and see how it is, its a wake up call. its time for my friends to grow up a bit.

Well Let's Start from the Beginning...

Well, here I am 25 years old, about to be married with a daughter of 4 months. If you asked me a year ago if this would be my life today I would not of believed you. I am not saying that i regret anything in my life, in fact I am completely happy to have my wonderful baby girl here especially after the miscarriage I had before her. I am not saying its the easiest job in the world. Late night, early mornings, poopy diapers, throwing up, exhaustion, crying, having someone relying on you for the rest of their life pretty much. Its a very demanding job thats for sure. but this isn't the beginning, let me start from the beginning.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. i wanted to find the right guy settle down and be a mom of 3. i never could find the right guy. dating all through high school and college, i just found people who used me or broke my heart. i never thought i would find the man of my dreams from high school, outside of high school. Jesse was in the same graduating class as my older sister Alissa, in fact they were best friends. it wasn't until 5 years later that we actually got close but the only thing holding us back was him being in california and me in ohio, distance much? we knew it wouldn't work.

finally in december of 2009, he came to ohio for a whole month and stupid me was dating completely the wrong guy i didn't even see him while he was in town! once i realized this guy was wrong for me, me and jesse were back talking in full verse, and he informed me that he would be back for a week in feb 2010. i was so excited and made sure i would see him while he was here! and we did see each other pretty much everyday that week. we realized that has we were talking over the past year we really did fall in love with each other, but one thing still was in our way, distance. he had moved to texas bc he was out of the marines now. so in march when i went there to visit we knew i had to move there. so i applied for jobs and had a few interviews while i was there. when i got back i knew what i had to do and tell my dad my plans, i wanted to move to texas.

i was scared to tell him cause our family was here in ohio, but surprisingly he told me not to hold back or have regrets and to do it. so it happened jesse came in april to help me back and move to our new home, texas.

i ended up getting pregnant in june and miscarried in july. that was one of the hardest things that has happened to me. we were so excited and then i lost it all, all i could think about is "what was wrong with me?" but i was reminded that most miscarriages there is problems with the fetus. so better to lose it early rather then later or even after birth. but this story has a happy ending i got pregnant again in august and our baby girl was born in april :)

me and jesse are planning on getting married and starting our wonderful family story. i couldn't be happier with my baby girl and my husband to be! were not perfect, you will see that through this blog but at the same time, who is?