Our Family

when me and jesse first got together we knew that when we decided to get married that we were going to go to the courthouse just us and addison and have a private family moment and then have a party for our family and friends in order to celebrate our marriage. i however didnt know that when this happened that both our moms would put their imput on how it should be. its our wedding, our day. why dont they just find their own business and enjoy the moments afterward, or else next time something big happens with our family no one is gonna know about it until it happens.

sometimes i feel lost.

sometimes i feel lost for the right words to say. how i feel. what i want. what i need. sometimes i let people walk all over me. i feel lost about things that i do, or how i can change. why cant i stand up for myself, and how come when i finally do so, no one listens to what i have to say. i am tired of repeating questions, comments or how i need help around here. i wish someone would listen and really listen. but i dont have that, i never will. so here i am writing down everything i wish i had the guts to say.

i really want my mom to stop being so negative and selfish. its always all about her and she never wants to hear about anyone elses problems, excitment, or joy. if shes not getting her last word in, no one is.

i wish my sisters had more time for me, since i had addison yes they wanna see us but not the way it use to be. i also wish ashley was around more.

i want my husband to be to help out more around the house, i am not octo-mom. i dont have 8 hands to do everything i need to get done throughout the whole day.

i wish i could work and make good money and not have to put addison in daycare or away from me. i wish she could be by my side all day and could play with her and do everything about the house and make money for it.

i want my energy back, i wanna be more fun for addison but i am so tired all the time.

i want to be pretty and skinny. i miss my old body and looks. i feel like i have become that stereotypical mother, and let myself go. i just dont have the time to fix the way i look.

i want my friends to not be so selfish. dont get me wrong its not all of them but theres a few, i want them around and understand that i am also a mom now.

but theres one thing i dont wanna change and thats addison. shes the only thing that gets me going everyday. i know she needs to be on top of my game and be there for her.

at least someone needs me, otherwise i'd be lost.

Introducing Addison Joei

When i was little and people always asked me what i wanted to be when i grew up. i always answered "to be a mom". i never thought it was going to happen.

i had my share of relationships that never seem to last or seemed to be the perfect fit. and they always seemed to end before they even got started. it always ended with me thinking, i will never have a serious relationship that will turn into a marriage that will eventually make me a mother. that was until i found the one person who i know you wont believe it until it happens to you but they fit perfectly into my hands, and there were definitely fireworks the first time we kissed.

I have already told you about our back story, but this is about addison. August 1, 2010 was the day i found out i was pregnant. it was almost a month since our miscarriage and i was already pregnant? i was so excited because i was going to have a baby but scared at the same time, worried something was going to happen, i was going to miscarry again and then i think we knew we had a problem, or what if everything goes well, and then at the last moment i have a still born?

i made it up to my 40 week of pregnancy, i had extremely high blood pressure but they kept it monitored until that last appointment, i was going to see addison on the ultrasound and then i had to have my stress test, well my blood pressure kept reading over 100 so i went to up to labor and delivery and they monitored me there for a couple of hours as well. but since i was so close to my due date, they checked me in, at this moment, the one i had been waiting for, i was deathly scared.

labor lasted 13 hours, 4 active and my baby girl finally came out and presented herself to the world. she was 7 lbs 14 oz, and 21 inches long, and i was in love.

i have never been so deep in love in a matter of seconds. i couldnt wait to get out of the hospital and be a beautiful family. to this day she is 4 months and healthy, which i couldnt be happier for. she smiles all day long and sleeps pretty well. i love being at home and watching her grow and not rely on someone else to raise her. i cant wait to watch her grow up, become a toddler, then a child, a teenager, and a woman. i cant wait to watch her graduate, get married, and have her be a mother herself. i sometimes catch myself in tears because i cant believe i have it all, i am so lucky and then in the back of my mind i worry, could i lose it all just as quickly?

Ruby Taylor

It was just a normal friday afternoon, my baby girl was napping upstairs so i took the moments that i had and just logged on to my email, looked at a few websites and then logged into facebook. i was looking at all the recent updates from friends to see what was going on. a good friend of my future husband shared a link for "bows for ruby" i logged onto and realized it was a sharing page of a woman who was making bows in order to help raise money for a family whose little baby girl whom had liver failure. little did i know until i logged into ani taylor's blog to learn that this little 7 month old baby had lost her battle and passed away that day.

i bought a bow today in her honor and to help that family. cause you wonder, if this happened to me, who would help me?

i cant think about what exactly they are going through. addison is only 4 months old herself. could it happen to her? sure it could. anything could happen. this is my greatest fear.

i always thought yeah i could get pregnant, have my baby and my little family. i never knew of my chances of having a miscarriage and my views on life could possibly change. since i had my miscarriage before addison her whole pregnancy i was scared of having another. when i got past the risks of miscarriage and entered into my 16 week, all i could think about is her becoming a stillborn, as weeks went by i constantly googled my chances of this horrible fear of happening.

all i wanted was for her to be here in my arms, safe and sound. that day finally came. here i was holding the most wonderful gift i could ever have, a perfectly healthy baby girl.

now here it is, another fear. what are my chances something might happen to her? sure she is healthy, i think but what if something is happening inside of her and i have no clue? how will i know? when will i know? what if she is absolutely fine?

then i think about jesses brother, he was so young when he was killed. what if?

i looked at addison everyday into her beautiful blue eyes and i talk with her until she smiles and laughs at me. i hold her in my arms and make sure she barely cries. but what if i cant always protect her.

i cried most of saturday morning thinking of the taylor family and what emotions they were going through. they just lost their precious baby girl, devastation i am sure, but then you have to think about their other daughter and remain strong for her as well.

i wish i could be there tuesday, i know they dont know me but they have sure impacted me. i wish i could let them know how much so.

i bought a bow today, in honor of precious ruby taylor.

okay, amber?!

So one thing that i dont really understand about moms who are younger is the fact that most of them do not accept the parental responsibilities. i know a few people who leave there children with there own parents just to go out and enjoy the night life or other things with their friends. your children are only going to be young once and will learn to resent you in the future for not being there when you post all your "fun" adventures on facebook.

i might sound like an old adult but seriously you made the choice to have unprotected sex, then you need to accept the fact you have a child. grow up and be a parent, not amber from teen mom! and if you dont want to be a parent and do what you have to to make sure your child grows up properly then seek help or give up your parental rights to your parents or someone else that is going to love that child and not go out partying just because your "bored".

so grow up already, seriously. because in my honest opinion i would much rather be with my crying daughter and take care of all her needs then spend my money on drinks and a few moments of a break. i want to watch my daughter grow up and be the wonderful person that I TAUGHT her to be, not my parents!

Being a mom vs. being a friend

I have found my life has changed since i had a baby, and that includes my lifestyle and my friendships. i barely leave my house after 9 pm. i dont usually even wanna leave my baby with my husband because i am worried if i am out having fun that something might happen to her, plus i am a mom now. i have obligations and responsabilities, why would i leave my daughter in the care of someone else to just go out and go drinking with friends? i am the one that had the baby not my mother, so why would i leave her and miss out on things that she needs. thats what i dont understand about some young mothers, but thats a different topic.

i have lost a lot of friends now that i am a mother. i understand that yes i do have a daughter and most of my friends dont, but i dont understand why they think that i am a different person. i am still me just with different responsibilties. i dunno. i just wish that they could make time for me, along with my daughter. i cant wait for them to have children and see how it is, its a wake up call. its time for my friends to grow up a bit.

Well Let's Start from the Beginning...

Well, here I am 25 years old, about to be married with a daughter of 4 months. If you asked me a year ago if this would be my life today I would not of believed you. I am not saying that i regret anything in my life, in fact I am completely happy to have my wonderful baby girl here especially after the miscarriage I had before her. I am not saying its the easiest job in the world. Late night, early mornings, poopy diapers, throwing up, exhaustion, crying, having someone relying on you for the rest of their life pretty much. Its a very demanding job thats for sure. but this isn't the beginning, let me start from the beginning.

I always knew I wanted to be a mom. i wanted to find the right guy settle down and be a mom of 3. i never could find the right guy. dating all through high school and college, i just found people who used me or broke my heart. i never thought i would find the man of my dreams from high school, outside of high school. Jesse was in the same graduating class as my older sister Alissa, in fact they were best friends. it wasn't until 5 years later that we actually got close but the only thing holding us back was him being in california and me in ohio, distance much? we knew it wouldn't work.

finally in december of 2009, he came to ohio for a whole month and stupid me was dating completely the wrong guy i didn't even see him while he was in town! once i realized this guy was wrong for me, me and jesse were back talking in full verse, and he informed me that he would be back for a week in feb 2010. i was so excited and made sure i would see him while he was here! and we did see each other pretty much everyday that week. we realized that has we were talking over the past year we really did fall in love with each other, but one thing still was in our way, distance. he had moved to texas bc he was out of the marines now. so in march when i went there to visit we knew i had to move there. so i applied for jobs and had a few interviews while i was there. when i got back i knew what i had to do and tell my dad my plans, i wanted to move to texas.

i was scared to tell him cause our family was here in ohio, but surprisingly he told me not to hold back or have regrets and to do it. so it happened jesse came in april to help me back and move to our new home, texas.

i ended up getting pregnant in june and miscarried in july. that was one of the hardest things that has happened to me. we were so excited and then i lost it all, all i could think about is "what was wrong with me?" but i was reminded that most miscarriages there is problems with the fetus. so better to lose it early rather then later or even after birth. but this story has a happy ending i got pregnant again in august and our baby girl was born in april :)

me and jesse are planning on getting married and starting our wonderful family story. i couldn't be happier with my baby girl and my husband to be! were not perfect, you will see that through this blog but at the same time, who is?