alone.

i love being a mom and i wouldnt change my days with addison for anything but sometimes i just feel completely alone. i know jesse is here but i need friends again. but not my single non mom friends because they just dont understand my life anymore. its not about going to the bars and drinking until 3 am, or randomly going on trips at the drop of a hat. i barely even drink anymore and if i do its usually one glass of something and to even get out the door to go to target it takes me usually 45 min to make sure i have everything for addison and i usually end up forgetting something.

i have my mom friends too but at the same time there not really here for me either. they have their own lives that are just as busy as well. i just wish i could find a happy medium so usually i send my time with my mom or my sister alissa. and i cant spend all my time with my mom because she herself is in a competely different lifestyle as well. so i have my sister but i dont think she wants to hang around me and a baby all day. i just wish i had someone i could meet and have lunch with or take the kids to the park.

someone i could talk to about late night feedings, crawling babies, and the everyday lifestyle of a crazy mom on no sleep. someone that can relate to me but at the same time give me the advice that i need sometimes.

i tried to create a mommy group but no one seemed really interested but i guess i should try again and maybe see if they want to meet up for a towpath walk or something. i just dont know what to do cause in the end i need some adult interaction every once in awhile and that doesnt include talking to the dog bentley.

i dunno, sometimes i just feel so alone and i end up crying.

this time next week

its so weird to think that this time next week i will marry the man of my dreams and our little family will be complete. i know that our relationship is not a conventional one. we didnt first meet, fall in love, get married, and have babies.

jesse and i have know each other since high school, in fact he was my sisters best friend, which meant we were not allowed to be friends let alone talk to each other. i do remember when it was my senior year, jesse had already graduated and before he left for marine boot camp i ran into him at the gas station and we exhanged numbers, we chatted for awhile but you know how things can get hard being so far away from someone. we never got romantic the first time. it wasnt until years later that he friended me on facebook, oh facebook--the wonders that you do, he had just gotten out of a serious relationship and was living in california. i was graduating that summer and was seriously dating someone, plus i was living in ohio. we chatted a few times on facebook and we enjoyed talking to each other and i gave him my number so we could chat outside of facebook.

me and my boyfriend of course ended up breaking up and that was when jesse offered to send me out there for the weekend for the marine corp ball. i was excited and i requested off work so i could leave friday. well jesse stopped talking to me and it never happened. it wasnt until later i found out that he was scared to send me out there for what might happen. we ended up not talking for awhile and i found someone else, which that didnt even get to envolve into anything. months later we started talking again and he was going to be in ohio for a whole month visiting family and friends and such. he told me what day he was going to be in town and i called him that day but he didnt answer, and earlier that month i started hanging out with this guy that was mutual friends with my best friend. i ended up nothing seeing him at all that month.

it wasnt until end of january that we were chatting up again texting each other. it had been like this for the last year on and off and joking on the phone about things. this last time in january he told me he was going to be in ohio again for a wedding. only for a week and would like to see me. i PROMISED him that i would make time to see him while he was here. well one thing led to another and we realized even though he hadnt official seen each other in years we had fallen in love over the last year and didnt realize it until we saw each other.

he stayed for a week and was going to be moving to texas in march to be with some of his family. i came out and visited for a week but we realized it wasnt going to work if we only saw each other for a week every month or so. so i decided to move to texas. i ended up pregnant in july and back in ohio in october. and gave birth to addison in april. we have been leaving here now and we are getting married at the end of this month. so maybe our story isnt the fairy tale people want to hear but to us its the most magical story of them all.

yeah

looking back.

its so weird to think where my life was 5 years ago. 5 years ago i was 20 years old. so close to being 21 and i was so excited for that. i was dating someone who i thought then was the love of my life, looking back now i was stupid for thinking that that was what love was because it wasnt even close to that. i was still in college and i was in my sorority kappa kappa gamma. life couldnt get any better.

its weird to think that 5 years later i am a mom and about to get married in 8 days. the friends i had 5 years ago and are no where close to being the friends i thought they were going to be and i know now that the guy i was dating treated me like complete shit.

there are things in my life i wish i could change but then i think about would my life be the way it is today if i where to go back and change them. would i have this beautiful baby girl by my side everyday  and a  future husband, yeah that is challenging at times but i love so very much?

yeah its definitely weird to think about, looking back.

belly laugh

i love when addison laughs her belly laugh. it's so innocent and pure and i know that in that one moment she thinks something so silly as me rubbing my nose into her belly is the greatest thing in the world. i want to bottle up her laughter and be able to listen to it everyday for the rest of my life. just for a few moments of her laughter and i cant stop smiling. its possibly the best sound in the world besides hearing her little heartbeat on the monitor when she was still inside my belly.

 every little thing that addison does melts my heart. today i was making her laugh and her little tiny hand reached up and touched my cheek. i know she is just trying to figure everything out but sometimes i like to think that it's her little way of telling me how much she loves me.

she only reaches for me these days, she always wants me to hold her and comfort her and i do it. everyone tells me that i shouldnt do it because she is only going to want me around and no one else. but i dont care, i want my daughter to want me in her time of need and for her to reach for me when she wants me.

because every day she is growing bigger and bigger and older and older, and sooner rather than later she isnt going to reach for me, she is going to be an independent and then a young woman. i want to cherish these moments for the rest of my life.

boys will be boys

i think i have changed my relationship outlook. i know that with every relationship that you have and that it ends you learn something new. something that will go with you on to the next relationship that you have learn to make this one a better one. i have learned over time that i cant control a person. i cant change a person. you have to let them be who they are. i understand that now. hence why jesse is out of town this weekend with the boys and men of his family down at their hunting cabin (which i hate that he hunts, poor animals). i know that he needs his time to be who he is and do what he does, i have never stopped him from wanting to do this things that he wants to do even if i do enjoy having a second pair of hands so that i can get an little bit of a long sleep in the morning (i got to function the rest of the day right?). i know that he doesnt do much of what i ask of him and he barely surprises me and cleans the house, is that ever gonna happen? prolly not, but there are little things that he does to help me that i miss. he cleans the baby bottles. grabs things for me when my hands are full of my beautiful baby girl, he helps me in the morning and allows me to sleep a bit, or even gives me an evening nap, and he gives her her bedtime bath. and its not only me that notices that he is gone and things are not right. i think addison knows too. jesse knows that addison loves her mom and wants her around all the time and doesnt barely wanna hang out with dad but she knows he is not here. he is not the one giving her a bath and getting her ready for bed. i think thats why she has been out of sorts the last couple of days. she hasnt been sleeping through the night either, shes must feel what i feel, lost a little bit. worried something bad is going to happen and we have no strong protector. i know we live in the 20 th century and i should learn to protect myself but in all reality its nice to have a strong man here that will do anything to protect everyone in his family, even poor old bentley the weiner dog.

i know it has only been the weekend but it does make a difference. even though he all know he has his quirks that drive me nuts, i sure do miss him when he is not around, and so does addison. cant wait to see him this afternoon and give him a whole bunch of crap ;)

am i insane?

i think i am losing my mind. i spend most of my days locked up in my house, and now that i dont have a car again i seriously feel trapped. its raining on top of this so we cant even go out and explore. i dont know how i can entertain addison without just giving her toys and making funny noises. i feel as if i am not stimulating her enough plus the time frame seems to be going so slow. i know i shouldnt take these moments for granted but i would much rather be walking around with her outside or doing something outside rather than watching the rain come down. even if i tried to do something outside i am scared its going to randomly start raining at any point. and without a car we cant even go to the store to atleast window shop.

we are trapped. by the rain and lack of automobile.

i tried googling ideas for me and addison to do so she could have something fun to do and at her age frame, i get peek a boo. yeah yeah but c'mon i feel as if we can do something else i am just not creative enough to figure it out.

i cant wait to move out of this townhome and into a rental home or our own house. i want quiet or atleast some point of it. i want addison to have a backyard and for bentley to roam as he wishes. i cant stand hearing the traffic on the road and the constant random noises around here.

i think i am going insane.

Our Family

when me and jesse first got together we knew that when we decided to get married that we were going to go to the courthouse just us and addison and have a private family moment and then have a party for our family and friends in order to celebrate our marriage. i however didnt know that when this happened that both our moms would put their imput on how it should be. its our wedding, our day. why dont they just find their own business and enjoy the moments afterward, or else next time something big happens with our family no one is gonna know about it until it happens.